now

I heard a podcast episode about a woman named Meighan dating in the Present. She sounded very pleased with herself, which I don't mean condescendingly - she was genuinely relieved and exhilarated by the fact that, at the age of 53, she'd unearthed an ability to "let go of tomorrow and just live for today." Her dating life became about enjoying what is & not contemplating what may or may not be.

I tried to get in that frame of mind in my last relationship, to live and learn from Miss Meighan. But I lived in the fear that, though we'd pulled off pressure of longevity early on & maintained open communication, I was somehow stringing my partner along. I feared that the length of time we spent dating dictated the future of our relationship; that our precious moments together absolutely had to be the building blocks of a life-lasting partnership; that we could only play it by ear for so long until our good times, if not a prologue to forever, became irresponsible.

I don't know if I regret holding that position or not. I do know that it resulted in a really disappointing break, a separation of snuggle bugs who had spent a lot of happy hours smiling and cooking and exploring together.

Am I meant to live for right now or build the future I want? To live in the present or to zoom out? To not let a bad day get me down, or live every day like it's my last?

Right now I'm sad.