base·​line

There's a big piece of me that wants to wait until the first of the month to start this. If it's going to be a serious undertaking, doesn't it deserve a more momentous and aesthetic start date than 9/28? September 28th. I guess that's kind of pretty. Plus, we all know the old adage, "Why put off 'til October 1st what you can do on September 28?" So that's what really settled that for me. This may be sloppy, but "it's a regimen, Mom. Like doing sit-ups."

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I just read a post in my sister Lauren's blog, in which she posed the question, "What's your emotional baseline state?" It made me think, as does most of what she says, even when I wish we could just let my confessions like "yea, I'm honestly cranky most days, but no problem" sit in their dark, casual ambiguity. I think emotional baselines must stem at least partially from personality, which makes my enneagram 4 wing spring to mind. I think of my resting state physically as a sort of pacing - as soon as I've completed whatever I'm doing (thank you to my 3 core, keeping me restless and frantic), I find myself pacing my studio apartment, checking on my 13 potted plants, straightening the used books and candles that litter my thrifted, wooden surfaces, and reaching out desperately (but like, in a nonchalant, cute, charming way) to make plans with friends.

That's how my emotions play themselves out physically, but I think my baseline emotional state recently is uncertainty. I'm rarely sure if I'm doing what I should be doing; if I'm spending my time wisely; if I'm overthinking everything that happens to me or passes through my mind; if my dream last night about my ex mean I made the wrong call in breaking it off; if I'm a narcissist because of my insatiable appetite for affirmation; if I'm wasting my time/talent by making excuses for how little I dance these days. I regularly feel a bit worried about if I'm in the right place or if I'm using my resources, platform, and privilege for anyone's benefit but my own. This has been exacerbated by the recent dissipation of an all-but-promised job opportunity, leaving me a bit dazed and directionally challenged.

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Here's some fodder for a new adage, perhaps one that will bring some certainty to the rightness of each day: Keep saying yes. Keep reaching out to your faraway friends. Keep singing the "I am available" song to your coworkers. Keep smiling at your neighbors. Keep doing your pushups and journal entries and midday yoga.

Ok enough, I ramble.