nar·​cis·​sist

Am I a narcissist?

1. that's a question I ask myself all the time.

2. i love that this doesn't forcibly autocorrect capitalization.

3. i'm a bit high right now, so this post may come across a bit loopier than my usual academic prose.

Honestly, I do ask myself this question frequently--this writing high business is wicked fun, no wonder Alice in Wonderland was a smash. a sour patch smash.

So honestly, I do ask myself this question frequently, and I'm a bit concerned that it continues to resurface, like a water basketball being forced under the surface by a bored poolside guest. I know that emotions will come and go on their own terms, and our quickest way of addressing and dismissing the unwanted ones is the tried-and-true "acknowledge and release" method, likely coined by the late Bill Clinton (presidential pardon joke, it's above all our heads).

Ok, back on track we go: I wonder if the amount of thought and concern I've given to the fear of being a narcissist in and of itself relinquishes me of my burden of guilt for hearing its siren song so frequently. In that I mean, "would a narcissist truly seek to avoid their own narcissism like the black plague, or is that an indicator that, yes, you may be a bit self-adoring, image-conscious, and outspoken, but you're no Ted Bundy, no Jamie Tart, and certainly no Narcissus." I was going to say "in short, I mean" -- but turns out that second definition was a bit longer, I'm afraid. My apologies.

I find that my internal motivations do orbit around myself and how I behave in a space. But I'm thinking thoughts like "how do I play my part to keep the energy up in here?" or "what am I doing with my body as I move through this space? should I take up the space? dance a bit?" or more frequently "what could I do wrong here, and how do I avoid it?"

As for the latter: With friends I ask, "what if I'm overbearing or turn into that toxic friend who just gossips about people? but I can't just talk about what I'm thankful for or abstract theories, because then I'll be that friend who can't hang & takes everything too seriously". Or on dates, "what if I'm not exciting or charming enough & can't keep up with their pop queen icon lingo? but I don't want to be someone I'm not, so what if I'm coming off as fake? what if I'm actually being untrue to myself?" The thoughts I have are about me, but they're so very much about others too, and how I show up in their lives.

I think the characteristic of mine that precludes me from jabbing my denim jacket in the lapel with a Garamond "narcissist" pin is that attribute of mine which I most vividly remember being commended for as a kid: my empathy. I remember my dad saying to me when I was little something along the lines of "Ryan, I think your greatest gift is compassion. Don't ever lose that,"

This is not a moment to gas myself up, but rather to defuse the ticking bomb of "what if I'm a narcissist, and anyone who partners with me is signing themselves up for eternal nausea?" I think about myself, and yes, I care a lot when I'm having a good hair day (and a whole lot when I'm not), but I can read a room. And when a friend is uneasy, so am I - when they're calling out in pain, my heart is already twisting as I run in their direction. When I love someone, I love them all through the day; their eyes don't slip from my daydreams. Their fear is my Jabberwocky, and their joy is my hot air balloon, bringing me to Kansas. I heard a podcast today that talked about finding the bright side of being highly sensitive, and I think I've found it.

Enough, I ramble.