fluf·​fing, 3

My head is being massaged, like it's a large porous sponge that's very full of water and someone wants to squeeze just a bit out. Enough to make the tiniest steady stream possible.

I'm a fucking rodeo star in the kitchen. From outside, reaching inside, up and around, and back outside. To dice, hold, weigh, season. It's a wonder I haven't gotten picked up yet.

Sketch idea: A substitute teacher is going through a glossary of important terms with a literature class. The real teacher gave a handwritten instruction list, but they have horrible handwriting. So the substitute misread the terms and, being unable to locate definitions for his interpretation of the misread terms, came up with fake definitions for these fake words. What a gag, this man trying to teach "simeles vs. analoyies" while remaining completely straight-faced in the face of confused, smirking students, while the principal is in class observing. Needs to be fleshed out, I know I know.

Someone asked me on my birthday once, "Do you prefer birthday king or queen?" I said "omg thank you, either way is fine! but definitely king" I should have just said "king, thanks!" Midwesterners.

Twice rattle vice tattle:

• My favorite bird is a jaywalk.

• Tequila Mockingjay. Cannabis Evergreen. (NOT The Girl on Fireball).